Warning: If you’re not up for some personal reality then you might want to skip this blog.
I don’t know about you guys but 2020 has been super tough on me. So many things have happened that if I start listing them all I might have a meltdown, so I won’t (you’re welcome). But what I wanted to talk about is a recent victim of 2020, a personal friendship.
I had a friend who I have enjoyed sharing and listening with for years. Suddenly they asked for space-before telling me or explaining anything they just stopped emailing. Of course I reached out and was given a couple short, succinct replies. I sat on that for a while, bewildered and at a loss. But needing closure, I emailed once more and told this person that I’d been hurt, and was still trying to understand what happened. Again, a short, succinct email. I’d already gotten the hint, I guess I just needed to nail the coffin shut. It is shut.
I am experiencing a sort of grief and haven’t completely moved on yet. I miss what we had, I realize now, no matter what happens now, it will never be the same again. My first reaction was to blame myself. I know I have had a preposterous amount of crazy things go wrong and perhaps I wore the boundaries of friendship to shreds. Maybe I said something wrong, and they just didn’t want to argue. Or maybe it was not my fault at all. I tend to always take on the blame for failures, mistakes, and others crappy behavior. Etc. But, in the last week or so, amid more crappy stuff going on, it occurs to me that everything is not always my fault. I am a good and kind person (modest too haha). I go the extra mile for everyone in my circle. (I don’t let many people into my circle either). I know I have needed a whole lot more from my circle than normal this year, but dammit, it has really been tough and shows no sign of letting up. I know I am far from perfect, life is a two (or 100) way street.
I am not even sure why I feel compelled to tell you this story, but here I am sharing. It could be because this person may see the post. Or maybe it is in spite of that fact? We all have many facets to our personalities and want to act out when we’ve been hurt. I do NOT want this to be what you take away from my story. Instead I want you to see me, a struggling, sensitive, (some say overly so—I say it is part of what makes me-me) artist with much more on her plate than most can begin to imagine. Maybe, its more than a friend can cope with too. I have to remember everyone has limits.
There is an old saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. I see that this is one of those moments. So, I am refocusing myself and working more seriously on art, (creating a RedBubble shop-with my work) and a few small commissions. Of course I still have the Etsy shop-but damn if i can figure out how to make it take off! But as always, I have my partner in crime and DIY and we stay busy painting and working on projects I come up with. My children—my life. And then, there is my sweet rescue dog, Bernie to keep me company. She’s a taskmaster that one! See proof below:
For now we keep trudging through 2020. Have a day and choose to make it a good one. Until next time thank you for listening.